my third little boy

on november 23rd, ben and I took the boys to my mom's house and headed to my doc's office for the big sonogram. it's sounds so silly to be that dramatic about it, but we had really been waiting and excited and anticipating this day so much. the night before we both had terrible sleep, dreaming both gender scenarios. so, needless to say, we were both relieved to just get it over with, either way. of course i felt major pressure, because i really have been dreaming of a little girl, talking about it with all my friends, and praying that i would get that wish if it was God's plan for us.

the sonogram appointment proved to be excruciatingly long. the lady we've had for both the boy's pregnancies was still there, but she was also training a student. that's fine. i'm all for being part of the teaching process, but with that came more waiting, and then the girl said, "should i tell them, or are you going to?", to which we had to wait longer. finally after about 30-45 minutes of knowing that all the organs were looking good (yay!), we were told it was a boy. the tears immediately came. i hate crying in public, and i felt so bad for crying over a healthy baby, when i know how hard it is for some people to even get pregnant, let alone have three healthy babies, but the emotions were there. it was like a floodgate opened. ben and i left as graciously and quickly as possible, and then i cried big time in the elevator. i'm grateful for such a sweet husband, who may not understand my feelings, but hurts for me, and wants to make me feel better. we rode the elevator for a while, and then went back up to my doctor's office. my dr. is actually the best person i could talk to at that moment, because she has three boys and a girl, and felt the same heartache, wondering if she would get to have a daughter. she has really become a friend over the past 5 years, so it was great to get a hug and understanding ear.

don't misunderstand, i love my boys more than i could possibly imagine loving any kids. they are truly the best things i've ever done, and i wouldn't trade them for anyone. i love the boy experience. i think, as i've told all my friends here, i was just really hoping for the girl stuff too. i was hoping to buy the adorable clothes, and bedding, and share things that only girls can share. i don't know if we'll have another baby, so the reality that that might never happen hit me hard. it's been hard to shift over to being 100% happy and okay with the results, and sometimes i feel like that's what people want me to do. i told ben that day that i tried to push all the hurt and feelings away, and pretend that i was over it, only for it to rush back a couple of days later.

i'm doing a lot better. i have to say that having a boy name, Graham, helped me. i love that name, and am happy to use it. it's also really fun to imagine what he will be like. will he be totally different from his brothers? what will his personality be? my boys are so different, so i have no clue what he will be like yet. it sounds really silly, but two things have helped me feel a lot better, and lot more excited. one is thinking about when my three boys are all grown up, and are big men. i think it will be great for them to have each other, and pray that they will be close, and want to do things together, like go to games and on camping trips. that's cool. the second came yesterday when i was watching top chef. ha. i know. okay, so i'm watching the top chef finale, and the three finalists are all male. two of them are actually brothers, which is kind of crazy. anyway, they are about to prepare their final meal for the judges, and in comes their moms. for some reason it struck me as the sweetest, most adorable thing to see these grown men interacting with their moms -hugging them and getting reassurance that they will do an amazing job, and sharing their concerns. they were so vulnerable and cute, like grown-up little boys, and it actually mad me emotional, thinking about when my boys are big. i hope that they will be like that with me, and share their thoughts and lives, and know how much i love them.

one of the coolest things that my husband said to me on the day we found out was that he could understand at least party why God had given us a third boy. he said that he was very sad for me, but that he thought God knew how great a mom i was to boys, and that our boys needed a mom like me, who love football and dinosaurs and fishing, and watches espn on her own. he thinks that they will be blessed to have that.

long week

this week has been a long and frustrating. i am honestly surprised that it's only wednesday! you know those days where a mom meltdown is unavoidable? yeah, i've had a couple of those this week. i told ben yesterday that after having one of those mornings, a lady made me laugh sardonically, because she listened to nolan and said, "oh. that was my favorite age with my boys." i said, "yeah, it's actually been my most challenging", and she gave me this condescending smile, like something was wrong with me! i'm not saying there aren't great things about 3-4 year-olds, but it has been hard! he seems to just keep pushing me. sometimes it seems like my voice is inaudible! yesterday he told me that i never play with him. me, who stays home every day, making all of his meals, playing, taking him to school and playdates, and outings, and restaurants. ben told me to ignore it, and that he says things like that to him all the time, but come on! when you invest so much time into your kids (and when you are extremely hormonal), it's hard to hear things like that. i have to take some major deep breaths and think of the good times, and the sweet things he says, or i will lose my mind! thankfully, i have a husband who is quick to help. when he comes home, and i've had days like these, he takes them out of the house, which i really need and appreciate. after telling a child to pick up his toys 15 bazillion times, you just need some silence. my focus now is to get to nolan's thanksgiving program on friday, which i am excited about. he has a speaking part, and gets to play the drum as an indian. anyone else annoyed that schools still say "indian" for native american? hello.

anyway, i will get to that, and then have a week of ben home. yay!

2 weeks

today is exactly two weeks until i find out if we're having a boy or girl. the suspense is killing me! i was telling ben this weekend about how i couldn't wait, and he said, "yeah, that's the difference between us. i am perfectly fine leaving my presents under the tree until christmas. you can't wait!" that is totally true :) when i was 7 i actually remember covertly unwrapping this giant present that had been looming under the tree. it was this mystery giant, and i could not wait. i only unwrapped a small portion, enough to see what the box said, and then taped it back without my parents knowing. it's funny, i think that in general, i am a very patient person, but not with presents, or secrets, or results. i also think it's easier for men to wait on baby results because they aren't the ones who are carrying the baby! if you'd had a new person growing inside your body for 16 weeks, you would be pretty curious who they were!

obviously the other factor this time is that i have two boys, and am hoping for the possibility of a girl. i truly do trust that God knows who will best add to our family, but the past few months have been thinking about all the things i saved for "my future daughter". i think about all the things that you can only do with daughters, and i dream about being able to do those. we will see...

the bebe has fingernails :)

so, like many pregnant women, i receive the babycenter.com weekly development emails. i have for each pregnancy, and i love them. especially in the early months, when you aren't feeling much but some cramping and gas, it's nice to get a glimpse into the womb. ha. the word womb still makes me laugh:) anyway, they tell you what is developing in your baby's body, and give you a visual (food) image of how big they are getting. that's my favorite part. when i found out i was pregnant, the baby was a sesame seed, and now at 10 weeks, it's a kumquat! amazing. nolan now loves to look at these with me. i show him the little drawn illustration of what the baby looks like, and then the food pic. today the write up said that our baby had no more webbing between it's toes and fingers, and that it had fingernails. to this, nolan said in a very serious voice, "mom, maybe that's why you're in pain sometimes. the baby is scratching you!" this kid really cracks me up.

My knitting blog

hey guys! just a random note to let you know that i now have a blog for my fledgling knitting business. would love for y'all to check it out, even though it has just begun, and is a work in progress. it is

http://theblueyedgirl.blogspot.com/

the airport, a milkshake, and a good day

today was a good day. it wasn't a ground-breaking, thrilling, seemingly perfect day, but it had some sweet moments to cherish. it started by finn and i dropping off nolan at school, and then we took my mom to the airport.

she decided to go to ireland/scotland on a whim, when one of her friends told her about her upcoming trip. i was proud of her because my mom doesn't travel much, and always agonizes over big splurges, even since inheriting money from her parents' estate. i thinks she will have a blast, and look forward to the pics. so at the airport, there was a lot of schlepping, and i really mean that. our airport has been in a rather ridiculous state of construction or "beautification" for several years now, which will be great in the future, but is rather ugly and awkward at the mo. anyway, that said, i always fly out of terminal 1, and kind of forgot that terminal 2 is now hard to reach from terminal 1. so the schlepping ensued. i have to say though, i am not recounting this to complain, but to say that i was proud of myself. sometimes in hectic or cumbersome situations i find the power of motherhood. know what i mean? i mean, especially when you have more than one child, things can get kinda crazy, especially when you find yourself in a high-traffic, security-filled situation with lots of factors. a) i feel protective of my mom, since i have been like her spouse since i was about 8, b) she hasn't traveled very much post 9/11, c) the time is 12:20 and neither boys have eaten lunch, hence whining and begging begin, and d)nolan has decided that my mom going on vaca is the end of the world :) a lot of factors! like i said, though, i found power in this. i am proud of myself when i can focus, stay calm, and manage to manage everything going on, including my two little wildebeasts. we survived, we got my mom checked in, with 2 hours to spare, snacks, major emotional meltdown averted, and managed to make up a silly song on the way to the car. go me, and go God for giving me the skills to pull it off.

we then headed to one of my favorite little places in our area, called cheesy jane's. it's a burger place (ironically our family doesn't eat beef anymore) in super cute, old school style, with awesome fries and milkshakes, and a really cool train track that runs on a suspended track from the ceiling. the boys love it. my mom had treated us to some lunch $, which is awesome, so i told nolan, "let's go to cheesy jane's, and we can even get a milkshake". my turkey burger and fries were delicious, and more than that, nolan and i had some quality date time. finn was technically there too, but the poor dude had passed out on in the car, so he was out until the last few minutes. my dad, while he was still around, established a great tradition of taking me on dates. i loved it! i felt so special and grown up and fancy. so nolan and i do the same when we can. we'll go to a movie, or just have a meal or snack.

today was a day where i can honestly say that i treasured my kids - their beauty and humor, and took mental snap-shots of where they are at this very moment. it's hard to do that as a mom everyday. in fact, i might venture to say that's nearly impossible to do it every day, but today was sweet. a chocolate milkshake never hurts things either :)

thunder

it's amazing how a thunderstorm sounds after months and months of drought. i'm assuming that in places like seattle, you don't even notice rain anymore, or are, perhaps, sick of it. i am the opposite. we have had so many days of 100 plus degree weather, and no rain, that to me, thunder is about one of the sweetest things i can hear now. lovely, lovely rain. i also love how my house is darker and cosy. i am welcoming the darkness, and even a slight drop in temperature.

it's good to be back on here writing again. i think i said it in my first post after ben went back, but i really forgot about needing this outlet when he was home with me all the time. the need to hear or see myself think. the need to connect with other adults. being a mom can be isolating at times. it's funny, because i actually have lots of mom friends, and seem to have more and more interaction with them as my kids get older, but as our schedules tighten and activities multiply, it can also feel like you're on your own particular little island during the day. i'm not feeling depressed, just commenting.

my little man, finn, is rapidly changing. he is 18 months now, and forging through a major period of development. it's a little alarming. in the past month, he has gotten 9 or 10 new teeth, has increased his traveling speed (running around the house a lot), and is feeling his struggle for independence. 18 months is also the time when a kid's vocabulary is vastly multiply. it's interesting to see all of that play out. he is starting sentences. he's saying no all the time just because he can. he is fighting to have his own way, yet retreating to my arms in exhaustion of all the change. isn't it amazing to see how they change. i understand it a lot more this time around. i remember reading that at 18 months, a child actually begins to realize that they are not part of your body. crazy!

well, we are off to pick up nolan at school. all for now.

morning sickness

So, I am pregnant. For the third time. That sounds kind of crazy, but then i remember all the huge families that i know and the huge families throughout time, and i guess it doesn't sound freakish :) In a lot of ways, this pregnancy is not the "big deal" that the other two, especially the first were. that sounds bad. i don't mean big deal in the exciting, miraculous sort of way, but big deal in the "whoa, i have never done this before. what's going to happen" way. my body feels like it knows what to do, and for the most part, what will happen. each pregnancy is different for sure, but when you i feel a certain kind of pain, i'm like, okay, i know what that is. it's comforting to have gone through it before (twice). i am extremely happy and excited about this new baby. i am excited for a whole new person coming to join our family, a new genetic combination, a whole new set of snuggles and smiles and all the amazing firsts that come with a new baby. of course, i am also really excited about the possibility of having a girl. i know that is probably a long shot, already having two boys, but it would be so fun to have a little girl to share that really girly side of myself. i also have to admit that having a new baby is scary. it's scary at the times when my boys are being super loud and obnoxious, when i can barely handle the two of them. i wonder if i can balance it all. if i can take someone to kindergarten and potty train another, and breast feed and sleep train another.... that's a lot! it helps that i have wonderful friends like jen and kristen, who are examples of great moms with three kids. that's comforts me. i know that God's timing is always the best, and that getting pregnant is really a miracle. i am grateful for another opportunity, and i know that God is stretching and growing me through this time, and the many years of motherhood. i just want to put those fears out there too.

we just started a MOPS group at church - a time for moms of pre-schoolers to come together once a month for fellowship and time to be women. when we were planning, one goal i had for us as a group was transparency. i feel like that is something we often aren't as moms - transparent about our fears, our shortcomings, our frustrations. this is a really hard job, and of course i am going to share my joys and proud moments, but it's also so necessary to share the other side.

for the past few days i have been feeling so nauseous! i am so fortunate to not be someone who barfs for months. i never have, but i have the most intense nausea right now - like the room is spinning, and i can't move :( ugh. this is especially hard when i have two boys running around being crazy. ugh. i think when the weather changes, that will majorly help things, but for now, i'm feeling a little stir-crazy and sick.

our first day back

today was my first day back to my normal (or previously normal) routine with my boys - just the three of us. i know that i am so so blessed to have a husband who is a teacher. teaching may not be rewarded with the biggest salary monetarily, but you can't beat the time off! i have had ben home, being a co-parent throughout the day since the beginning of july, and it has been great. not that we haven't had parenting struggles, but obviously it's completely different to go about your day with another adult there, helping out with the kids, and talking to you. i think i have taken the adult conversation for granted.

today was great in many ways. even though i had to get up early, finn came in and snuggled with me in bed for the last thirty minutes until we got up. i made pancakes and had a good breakfast with them. we had some chill time watching a bearenstein bears dvd from the library, and even a little outdoors time before the sun was baking us. then things got bad. sometimes i feel like i am truly going to lose it with nolan. it's so weird as a mom to feel so much love for someone, but then such intense frustration! ugh. he's just at that age. i really think that's a big part of it, and being a boy. i have never lived with an almost four year old boy, and it just seems like they have no gauge for annoyance/noise/rudeness. and then there is the seemingly-never ending whining! i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but these faults seem so much more compounded now that ben is gone, and when i tried to vent, ben was grumpy with me, thinking i was just complaining. i have a few theories on why nolan may seem harder/more annoying now: 1) i have less of a temper, and when ben is home, he steps into disciplinarian mode, while i am more calm. when he's gone, i am disciplining more and 2) there is no other adult to commiserate with when i am alone and nolan acts like a brat! sometimes nolan will literally communicate solely in whine for a long time, so i will show him how he sounds. this usually causes him to examine his behavior and change for like 5 minutes. today we had a talk about how "actions speak louder than words" because nolan always acts like he is so so sorry, but doesn't back that up with his behavior following up.

i am in new territory in my parenting now. how do you deal with this little ball of energy when it is 100 degrees outside? play dates always help, and i know that in two short weeks, school will start back up for nolan, and that should help a lot, but it was one tough day. i think he did like 4 time outs.

the beginning of summer

i was sad to notice today that it's been over a month since i've last written. i guess may really crept up on me, sped by, and now i find myself already in june. don't get me wrong, i am super excited for the arrival of june, because it means the much-anticipated arrival of summer. i love summer for many reasons, firstly because school is out. i am not a student any more, no, but i am so happy to have ben coming home for most of the summer. i know that living on a teacher's salary can be stressful at times, but for me, all the extra quality time with him is worth it. i need quality time. it's my number one love language, and i love spending time with my family, all together.

ok, so confession. i now do understand why parents sometimes dread summer vacation. i know, that sounds horrible. i told ben i think i used to judge mom's for saying that. it's not that i don't want nolan to be home for summer, but his pre-school being over made me realize how much i truly appreciate that twice a week, three hour break. don't get me wrong, he is a great kid, but never did i need a break more than when he hit three. he wears me out! i am excited to do all of the cherished summer things with nolan - swimming, movies, baseball, ice cream, barbeque, the 4th of july. i love summer!

on a quality time note, ben and i were able to spend the day together on our anniversary this saturday, and that was wonderful. we so rarely have a day alone any more, that we found ourselves being so thrilled by an hour at starbucks (sans kids whining for chocolate milk or a baked good), or an hour at a book store (looking for as long or as little as we liked at any section or title). mostly, we loved having two meals and conversation together. it reminds us of our pre-kids dating days, and really, talking and eating is pretty much our favorite thing to do together :) it's not that i have given up these activities. i refuse to be one of those moms who just stops doing anything not child related, but the way i do them is different. i am so blessed to have had five years with ben. he really is my best friend, my favorite person, and the person that i am still excited to see every day.

a few hard days

 i just read "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner, and by just i mean in the last 24 hours. my friend jennifer lent me one of her books, and i think her style is so fun - endearing and brutally honest, and funny and you truly feel like you know the characters. anyway, it was a great read, and reminded me that so often in motherhood, we share the great moments, the cute moments, the touching ones, but when we have the totally crappy, hard times, we sometimes just sit at home, not wanting to complain or admit our own down days. i am blessed to have several friends with whom i share everything, and i mean everything. i rarely feel like i can't call them and tell them (sometimes crying) when i'm having a fight with ben, or exhausted, or my kids are just driving me crazy. i have not had anything horrible happen, but i was just thinking about how i want to share both the good and bad on here.

like for the past few days, i have been fighting off this bad cold, which started out mild, and then filled my body with snot and congestion and blech. then yesterday i had one of those mom days where i thought, "i'm sorry, am i alone here, am i talking to myself?" about five million times. nolan was hyper and cooped up in the house from the rain, and excited that some friends were coming over, so he ignored my repeated, and i mean repeated  requests to please help me clean up the house. i was chugging along, giving my ohsodirty floors a much needed cleaning. you moms out there know how ridiculously hard it can be to tackle this task. sometimes i feel like i am fighting an uphill, personal battle with the dang floors, and i have a tiny place! anyway, i was happy i had enough energy left in my coldy body to be mopping, and had barricaded the boys in nolan's room. finn had repeatedly tried to come see me, sliding around on the wet floors, or better yet, getting into chloe's food and water (this is now one of his missions in life). i don't know how many times i had asked nolan in increasingly firm, not sweet tones to please clean up his room, when the threats starting coming. i  told him i would start throwing away his toys if he didn't obey. okay, so this probably sounds really harsh if you have never used it before, and i remember the first time ben tried it out, i was not a fan. then i realized that it was gold, pure scare tactics are the only thing that works with my extremely stubborn son sometimes, and he has the most selective hearing! so i have to say, one cheap teddy bear in the trash, one extremely long day of parenting, and one arrival of my period (fun), i was ready for sleep. i have to give my amazing husband a shout out, because when i have days like this he truly steps it up, taking the boys out of the house when he gets home, picking up food if i need it, and just generally being such an appreciated help. thank you ben, my love.

your true self

 so i remember about a year and a half ago, when nolan was two, remarking to my mom and ben that it seems like so much of one's personality is totally there at that age. they are these miniature adults, with lots of opinion and preference, and their own style. shortly after that, i don't remember where of course, i heard from a reputable professional in child development (probably on oprah, where i hear a lot of my info :) that people truly are almost completely who they will be at the age of pre-school. this isn't to say that life's experiences don't greatly shape and impact you. we can all think of tons of those that have come along later, but that when you think about, we are who we are at 2 or 3. i think it's fascinating, and when i think back, i was myself at a young age. people who've known me for years and years will tell you that i was still the same heather in childhood. today, as i watched my little man, who is now almost four, pull his fire engine float in the mini-fiesta parade, and then run around the gym, i was so proud of him. i am so proud of this little person that i get to raise and share. i am proud of his confidence. he really thinks he is capable of anything. i'm proud of his outgoing, charming nature. he can talk to almost anyone, and they undoubtedly will remember his name. i am proud of his sensitivity and empathy toward others, and his mature way of looking at things (when he is not having a three year old meltdown!). this suddenly hit me, that as a mom, this is the major reward. staying at home does not earn me the big bonuses or recognition. nor does it tell the world that i am a power-player, but to me, the bonuses are the joy of raising a good person, and beyond that, a delightful person. i wouldn't trade it for any job in the world.

quiet

 i think quiet is one of my most valuable commodities right now. poor ben is sick, and so i have had full-time parenting duties today. this means that by the end of my day i was begging nolan to just please be quiet and let me enjoy "strawberry swing" as we drove home in the car. i told him that i really needed some quiet, and he told me "he really needed some loudness". oy, 3 year-olds! for all you single moms out there, especially with young kids such as mine, my hat is off to you, because i sure appreciate the help of my hubbie when he is sick. it is invaluable, along with the relative peace and quiet that i am now relishing. time for lost and sinking into the couch...

i am green

 i think i have always been an environmentalist at heart. i remember in third grade learning to "reduce, reuse, and recycle", and it made sense then. why not try to be good stewards of this amazing earth we've been given. to me, being green is not controversial, it's smart and natural. in the past few years i have become increasingly aware of what ingredients are harmful, and tried to use products, food and cleaning that are as natural as possible. this is just a short post, but i wanted to share some of my favorites. They are as follows:

* Mrs. Meyers cleaning products. i love their all purpose cleaner (lavender is my fav now) and use it for mopping my floors and cleaning almost everything in the house. their scents are great, and leave your house smelling naturally clean, not harsh. their scrub is great for tubs and sinks too.

*Ecos laundry detergent is a wonderful product. it is all natural, so not polluting our water supplies, and is super concentrated, so you get a lot of loads from each container. i use the magnolia and lily scent, which is delightful. another great thing about this product is that it is super gentle, so great for washing baby's clothes.

 

* Burt's Bees - Baby Bee bubble bath, loltion, and diaper cream - great company, gentle, and their products last forever. awesome baby stuff

*Method baby wash and lotion in rice milk + mallow. i just tried these products, and they leave the kids smelling delicious. the price is good too.

* Natural Choice diapers. in the past few months i have been trying more eco-friendly diaper options. let's be real. i am not going to use cloth diapers. bravo if you do, but that is not for me. i tried the 7th Generation first, and liked them, finding their performance totally comparable to Pampers. then i saw a new brand come into my favorite grocery store - Natural Choice. they are $4 cheaper than 7th Generation, and i think that i actually prefer them. no, these diapers are not totally bio-degradable, but they are made without chlorine or petroleum products, which i like. i think i will start buying them in bulk.

i have often read other, more knowledgeable writers tips on eco topics, such as what kind of PVC-free shower curtain to buy (i got mine at Target, as per a suggestion), and i hope to be helpful in others attempts to  be more green.

release

 i've been pondering release lately - the lack of it, the need for it, and the buildup of stress and tension and emotions that necessitate it. this is my premier post. i've been wanting to start a blog for years, but for some reason just haven't started the writing process. i am a mom of two boys, Nolan, who is three and a half, and Griffin, who is one. this brings me back to the release. as a mom, i feel very fulfillled. never before having Nolan did i truly feel such a sense of purpose, of doing and being exactly what God created me to do. it's amazing. amazing, but also totally overwhelming and draining and selfless, and i totally believe that as moms, we need major outlets of release. that's why lately, i have determined  to make myself channel out through the other things i love to do - me, heather, as a person beyond motherhood. i think it's so hard to find balance between being selfless and giving and focused on your children, while also nurturing yourself. motherhood transformed me into a stronger, more confident, truer sense of myself, but it is a daily struggle not to give up me. so, i have started reading a lot again. i think books have always been almost as important to me as food, and if you're not a book person, that sounds entirely dorky, but hey, that's me. ever since college, it has been so nice to just select a book at random, not having an obligatory list of assignments to complete, or some weighty work hanging over your head while you attempt some pleasure reading. right now i am finishing up Unaccustomed Earth, by Jhumpa Lahiri. my husband first introduced her to me when we first got married, and i think she's an amazing writer. i definitely recommend her other books, The Interpreter of Maladies and The Namesake. i also just got back into running, which i have really missed. it's funny how after a period of absence from something, you lose your confidence, like i have with writing as well. then you start back, and it feels so freeing and effortless. i came home from running yesterday beaming, and bouncing with energy, and thinking, i really need to take that time for myself more often. it's too easy not to. i hope in starting this blog that i will be able to use my writing muscle, like my quads that have been under-used lately. i also hope that i can connect with others who are perhaps feeling like me at times.