a few hard days

 i just read "Little Earthquakes" by Jennifer Weiner, and by just i mean in the last 24 hours. my friend jennifer lent me one of her books, and i think her style is so fun - endearing and brutally honest, and funny and you truly feel like you know the characters. anyway, it was a great read, and reminded me that so often in motherhood, we share the great moments, the cute moments, the touching ones, but when we have the totally crappy, hard times, we sometimes just sit at home, not wanting to complain or admit our own down days. i am blessed to have several friends with whom i share everything, and i mean everything. i rarely feel like i can't call them and tell them (sometimes crying) when i'm having a fight with ben, or exhausted, or my kids are just driving me crazy. i have not had anything horrible happen, but i was just thinking about how i want to share both the good and bad on here.

like for the past few days, i have been fighting off this bad cold, which started out mild, and then filled my body with snot and congestion and blech. then yesterday i had one of those mom days where i thought, "i'm sorry, am i alone here, am i talking to myself?" about five million times. nolan was hyper and cooped up in the house from the rain, and excited that some friends were coming over, so he ignored my repeated, and i mean repeated  requests to please help me clean up the house. i was chugging along, giving my ohsodirty floors a much needed cleaning. you moms out there know how ridiculously hard it can be to tackle this task. sometimes i feel like i am fighting an uphill, personal battle with the dang floors, and i have a tiny place! anyway, i was happy i had enough energy left in my coldy body to be mopping, and had barricaded the boys in nolan's room. finn had repeatedly tried to come see me, sliding around on the wet floors, or better yet, getting into chloe's food and water (this is now one of his missions in life). i don't know how many times i had asked nolan in increasingly firm, not sweet tones to please clean up his room, when the threats starting coming. i  told him i would start throwing away his toys if he didn't obey. okay, so this probably sounds really harsh if you have never used it before, and i remember the first time ben tried it out, i was not a fan. then i realized that it was gold, pure scare tactics are the only thing that works with my extremely stubborn son sometimes, and he has the most selective hearing! so i have to say, one cheap teddy bear in the trash, one extremely long day of parenting, and one arrival of my period (fun), i was ready for sleep. i have to give my amazing husband a shout out, because when i have days like this he truly steps it up, taking the boys out of the house when he gets home, picking up food if i need it, and just generally being such an appreciated help. thank you ben, my love.

your true self

 so i remember about a year and a half ago, when nolan was two, remarking to my mom and ben that it seems like so much of one's personality is totally there at that age. they are these miniature adults, with lots of opinion and preference, and their own style. shortly after that, i don't remember where of course, i heard from a reputable professional in child development (probably on oprah, where i hear a lot of my info :) that people truly are almost completely who they will be at the age of pre-school. this isn't to say that life's experiences don't greatly shape and impact you. we can all think of tons of those that have come along later, but that when you think about, we are who we are at 2 or 3. i think it's fascinating, and when i think back, i was myself at a young age. people who've known me for years and years will tell you that i was still the same heather in childhood. today, as i watched my little man, who is now almost four, pull his fire engine float in the mini-fiesta parade, and then run around the gym, i was so proud of him. i am so proud of this little person that i get to raise and share. i am proud of his confidence. he really thinks he is capable of anything. i'm proud of his outgoing, charming nature. he can talk to almost anyone, and they undoubtedly will remember his name. i am proud of his sensitivity and empathy toward others, and his mature way of looking at things (when he is not having a three year old meltdown!). this suddenly hit me, that as a mom, this is the major reward. staying at home does not earn me the big bonuses or recognition. nor does it tell the world that i am a power-player, but to me, the bonuses are the joy of raising a good person, and beyond that, a delightful person. i wouldn't trade it for any job in the world.

quiet

 i think quiet is one of my most valuable commodities right now. poor ben is sick, and so i have had full-time parenting duties today. this means that by the end of my day i was begging nolan to just please be quiet and let me enjoy "strawberry swing" as we drove home in the car. i told him that i really needed some quiet, and he told me "he really needed some loudness". oy, 3 year-olds! for all you single moms out there, especially with young kids such as mine, my hat is off to you, because i sure appreciate the help of my hubbie when he is sick. it is invaluable, along with the relative peace and quiet that i am now relishing. time for lost and sinking into the couch...

i am green

 i think i have always been an environmentalist at heart. i remember in third grade learning to "reduce, reuse, and recycle", and it made sense then. why not try to be good stewards of this amazing earth we've been given. to me, being green is not controversial, it's smart and natural. in the past few years i have become increasingly aware of what ingredients are harmful, and tried to use products, food and cleaning that are as natural as possible. this is just a short post, but i wanted to share some of my favorites. They are as follows:

* Mrs. Meyers cleaning products. i love their all purpose cleaner (lavender is my fav now) and use it for mopping my floors and cleaning almost everything in the house. their scents are great, and leave your house smelling naturally clean, not harsh. their scrub is great for tubs and sinks too.

*Ecos laundry detergent is a wonderful product. it is all natural, so not polluting our water supplies, and is super concentrated, so you get a lot of loads from each container. i use the magnolia and lily scent, which is delightful. another great thing about this product is that it is super gentle, so great for washing baby's clothes.

 

* Burt's Bees - Baby Bee bubble bath, loltion, and diaper cream - great company, gentle, and their products last forever. awesome baby stuff

*Method baby wash and lotion in rice milk + mallow. i just tried these products, and they leave the kids smelling delicious. the price is good too.

* Natural Choice diapers. in the past few months i have been trying more eco-friendly diaper options. let's be real. i am not going to use cloth diapers. bravo if you do, but that is not for me. i tried the 7th Generation first, and liked them, finding their performance totally comparable to Pampers. then i saw a new brand come into my favorite grocery store - Natural Choice. they are $4 cheaper than 7th Generation, and i think that i actually prefer them. no, these diapers are not totally bio-degradable, but they are made without chlorine or petroleum products, which i like. i think i will start buying them in bulk.

i have often read other, more knowledgeable writers tips on eco topics, such as what kind of PVC-free shower curtain to buy (i got mine at Target, as per a suggestion), and i hope to be helpful in others attempts to  be more green.

release

 i've been pondering release lately - the lack of it, the need for it, and the buildup of stress and tension and emotions that necessitate it. this is my premier post. i've been wanting to start a blog for years, but for some reason just haven't started the writing process. i am a mom of two boys, Nolan, who is three and a half, and Griffin, who is one. this brings me back to the release. as a mom, i feel very fulfillled. never before having Nolan did i truly feel such a sense of purpose, of doing and being exactly what God created me to do. it's amazing. amazing, but also totally overwhelming and draining and selfless, and i totally believe that as moms, we need major outlets of release. that's why lately, i have determined  to make myself channel out through the other things i love to do - me, heather, as a person beyond motherhood. i think it's so hard to find balance between being selfless and giving and focused on your children, while also nurturing yourself. motherhood transformed me into a stronger, more confident, truer sense of myself, but it is a daily struggle not to give up me. so, i have started reading a lot again. i think books have always been almost as important to me as food, and if you're not a book person, that sounds entirely dorky, but hey, that's me. ever since college, it has been so nice to just select a book at random, not having an obligatory list of assignments to complete, or some weighty work hanging over your head while you attempt some pleasure reading. right now i am finishing up Unaccustomed Earth, by Jhumpa Lahiri. my husband first introduced her to me when we first got married, and i think she's an amazing writer. i definitely recommend her other books, The Interpreter of Maladies and The Namesake. i also just got back into running, which i have really missed. it's funny how after a period of absence from something, you lose your confidence, like i have with writing as well. then you start back, and it feels so freeing and effortless. i came home from running yesterday beaming, and bouncing with energy, and thinking, i really need to take that time for myself more often. it's too easy not to. i hope in starting this blog that i will be able to use my writing muscle, like my quads that have been under-used lately. i also hope that i can connect with others who are perhaps feeling like me at times.