my third little boy

on november 23rd, ben and I took the boys to my mom's house and headed to my doc's office for the big sonogram. it's sounds so silly to be that dramatic about it, but we had really been waiting and excited and anticipating this day so much. the night before we both had terrible sleep, dreaming both gender scenarios. so, needless to say, we were both relieved to just get it over with, either way. of course i felt major pressure, because i really have been dreaming of a little girl, talking about it with all my friends, and praying that i would get that wish if it was God's plan for us.

the sonogram appointment proved to be excruciatingly long. the lady we've had for both the boy's pregnancies was still there, but she was also training a student. that's fine. i'm all for being part of the teaching process, but with that came more waiting, and then the girl said, "should i tell them, or are you going to?", to which we had to wait longer. finally after about 30-45 minutes of knowing that all the organs were looking good (yay!), we were told it was a boy. the tears immediately came. i hate crying in public, and i felt so bad for crying over a healthy baby, when i know how hard it is for some people to even get pregnant, let alone have three healthy babies, but the emotions were there. it was like a floodgate opened. ben and i left as graciously and quickly as possible, and then i cried big time in the elevator. i'm grateful for such a sweet husband, who may not understand my feelings, but hurts for me, and wants to make me feel better. we rode the elevator for a while, and then went back up to my doctor's office. my dr. is actually the best person i could talk to at that moment, because she has three boys and a girl, and felt the same heartache, wondering if she would get to have a daughter. she has really become a friend over the past 5 years, so it was great to get a hug and understanding ear.

don't misunderstand, i love my boys more than i could possibly imagine loving any kids. they are truly the best things i've ever done, and i wouldn't trade them for anyone. i love the boy experience. i think, as i've told all my friends here, i was just really hoping for the girl stuff too. i was hoping to buy the adorable clothes, and bedding, and share things that only girls can share. i don't know if we'll have another baby, so the reality that that might never happen hit me hard. it's been hard to shift over to being 100% happy and okay with the results, and sometimes i feel like that's what people want me to do. i told ben that day that i tried to push all the hurt and feelings away, and pretend that i was over it, only for it to rush back a couple of days later.

i'm doing a lot better. i have to say that having a boy name, Graham, helped me. i love that name, and am happy to use it. it's also really fun to imagine what he will be like. will he be totally different from his brothers? what will his personality be? my boys are so different, so i have no clue what he will be like yet. it sounds really silly, but two things have helped me feel a lot better, and lot more excited. one is thinking about when my three boys are all grown up, and are big men. i think it will be great for them to have each other, and pray that they will be close, and want to do things together, like go to games and on camping trips. that's cool. the second came yesterday when i was watching top chef. ha. i know. okay, so i'm watching the top chef finale, and the three finalists are all male. two of them are actually brothers, which is kind of crazy. anyway, they are about to prepare their final meal for the judges, and in comes their moms. for some reason it struck me as the sweetest, most adorable thing to see these grown men interacting with their moms -hugging them and getting reassurance that they will do an amazing job, and sharing their concerns. they were so vulnerable and cute, like grown-up little boys, and it actually mad me emotional, thinking about when my boys are big. i hope that they will be like that with me, and share their thoughts and lives, and know how much i love them.

one of the coolest things that my husband said to me on the day we found out was that he could understand at least party why God had given us a third boy. he said that he was very sad for me, but that he thought God knew how great a mom i was to boys, and that our boys needed a mom like me, who love football and dinosaurs and fishing, and watches espn on her own. he thinks that they will be blessed to have that.