life

today i started reading Her Fearful Symmetry, and i'm hooked. it's a fascinating world of characters, and has me thinking about life, and how temporary, how unpredictable and precious life is. it's something that i almost have an internal battle with. one of my favorite and most impactful people ever was Kyle Lake. he was my pastor at ubc in waco, and died tragically five years ago. his last sermon and one of his life messages was on living in the moment, and finding the beauty and savoring the extraordinary/ordinary in life. tiny things are magical and divine and amazing, and so often we take them for granted.

i say that i have this internal battle, because every once of me agrees that i should mentally photograph beauty, and archive it. that i should cherish and revel in moments that take my breath away, and fully experience and feel and taste and see beauty. i am all about that. part of me, though, does not want to do this because of fear, and laziness and sleepiness. it's not a conscious thing, but do you ever think that to live this way, in abandon, would fully recognize that life is a fleeting thing. ?it's a fresh flower with a shelf life. i do. i know that bad things happen all the time, and people die way before you are ready. cancer comes and robs and rips apart. accidents and reassignments, and theft. there are some freaky things out there that threaten our existence constantly. i think as a mom it's hard to shut those out. not all the time, but sometimes. the other factor is the tiredness and laziness that trick your brain into thinking that you have all the time in the world. we don't.

i want to live like kyle. i want to walk in confidence and grace and wonder, because Christ didn't die for me to live in fear and worry and complacency. i am so blown away by the beauty of everyday life, and i don't know if today will be my last. i really don't fear if it will. i think i just fear lack of control, and that's something i'm learning more about myself at this new age of 28. i fancy myself a care-free, perpetually laid-back person, but if i may psycho-analyze myself a bit, i think my desire/struggle for control came at the young age of 8. when my dad ripped my family apart, shattering what i thought my life was, i think i began grasping for control. i've tried to find it in many different ways, and it has hurt me. it has pushed me to be hyper self-critical at times, to have eating disorders as an adolescent, and assume an element of independence that has made me suffer.

i know that God's desire for me is to rest fully in Him, to know and trust in his HUGE love. i'm not in control, and all i can do is enjoy the miraculous, tiny moments as they come along. once when i was on a mission trip in mexico in college, i threw my back out. i threw my back out at the age of 19, playing football with some random little boys. i literally couldn't walk for days, and was totally dependent on the guys in my group to carry me around. it was humbling, and showed me how much God desired for me to relinquish control and rest in stillness.

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