life

today i started reading Her Fearful Symmetry, and i'm hooked. it's a fascinating world of characters, and has me thinking about life, and how temporary, how unpredictable and precious life is. it's something that i almost have an internal battle with. one of my favorite and most impactful people ever was Kyle Lake. he was my pastor at ubc in waco, and died tragically five years ago. his last sermon and one of his life messages was on living in the moment, and finding the beauty and savoring the extraordinary/ordinary in life. tiny things are magical and divine and amazing, and so often we take them for granted.

i say that i have this internal battle, because every once of me agrees that i should mentally photograph beauty, and archive it. that i should cherish and revel in moments that take my breath away, and fully experience and feel and taste and see beauty. i am all about that. part of me, though, does not want to do this because of fear, and laziness and sleepiness. it's not a conscious thing, but do you ever think that to live this way, in abandon, would fully recognize that life is a fleeting thing. ?it's a fresh flower with a shelf life. i do. i know that bad things happen all the time, and people die way before you are ready. cancer comes and robs and rips apart. accidents and reassignments, and theft. there are some freaky things out there that threaten our existence constantly. i think as a mom it's hard to shut those out. not all the time, but sometimes. the other factor is the tiredness and laziness that trick your brain into thinking that you have all the time in the world. we don't.

i want to live like kyle. i want to walk in confidence and grace and wonder, because Christ didn't die for me to live in fear and worry and complacency. i am so blown away by the beauty of everyday life, and i don't know if today will be my last. i really don't fear if it will. i think i just fear lack of control, and that's something i'm learning more about myself at this new age of 28. i fancy myself a care-free, perpetually laid-back person, but if i may psycho-analyze myself a bit, i think my desire/struggle for control came at the young age of 8. when my dad ripped my family apart, shattering what i thought my life was, i think i began grasping for control. i've tried to find it in many different ways, and it has hurt me. it has pushed me to be hyper self-critical at times, to have eating disorders as an adolescent, and assume an element of independence that has made me suffer.

i know that God's desire for me is to rest fully in Him, to know and trust in his HUGE love. i'm not in control, and all i can do is enjoy the miraculous, tiny moments as they come along. once when i was on a mission trip in mexico in college, i threw my back out. i threw my back out at the age of 19, playing football with some random little boys. i literally couldn't walk for days, and was totally dependent on the guys in my group to carry me around. it was humbling, and showed me how much God desired for me to relinquish control and rest in stillness.

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my third little boy

on november 23rd, ben and I took the boys to my mom's house and headed to my doc's office for the big sonogram. it's sounds so silly to be that dramatic about it, but we had really been waiting and excited and anticipating this day so much. the night before we both had terrible sleep, dreaming both gender scenarios. so, needless to say, we were both relieved to just get it over with, either way. of course i felt major pressure, because i really have been dreaming of a little girl, talking about it with all my friends, and praying that i would get that wish if it was God's plan for us.

the sonogram appointment proved to be excruciatingly long. the lady we've had for both the boy's pregnancies was still there, but she was also training a student. that's fine. i'm all for being part of the teaching process, but with that came more waiting, and then the girl said, "should i tell them, or are you going to?", to which we had to wait longer. finally after about 30-45 minutes of knowing that all the organs were looking good (yay!), we were told it was a boy. the tears immediately came. i hate crying in public, and i felt so bad for crying over a healthy baby, when i know how hard it is for some people to even get pregnant, let alone have three healthy babies, but the emotions were there. it was like a floodgate opened. ben and i left as graciously and quickly as possible, and then i cried big time in the elevator. i'm grateful for such a sweet husband, who may not understand my feelings, but hurts for me, and wants to make me feel better. we rode the elevator for a while, and then went back up to my doctor's office. my dr. is actually the best person i could talk to at that moment, because she has three boys and a girl, and felt the same heartache, wondering if she would get to have a daughter. she has really become a friend over the past 5 years, so it was great to get a hug and understanding ear.

don't misunderstand, i love my boys more than i could possibly imagine loving any kids. they are truly the best things i've ever done, and i wouldn't trade them for anyone. i love the boy experience. i think, as i've told all my friends here, i was just really hoping for the girl stuff too. i was hoping to buy the adorable clothes, and bedding, and share things that only girls can share. i don't know if we'll have another baby, so the reality that that might never happen hit me hard. it's been hard to shift over to being 100% happy and okay with the results, and sometimes i feel like that's what people want me to do. i told ben that day that i tried to push all the hurt and feelings away, and pretend that i was over it, only for it to rush back a couple of days later.

i'm doing a lot better. i have to say that having a boy name, Graham, helped me. i love that name, and am happy to use it. it's also really fun to imagine what he will be like. will he be totally different from his brothers? what will his personality be? my boys are so different, so i have no clue what he will be like yet. it sounds really silly, but two things have helped me feel a lot better, and lot more excited. one is thinking about when my three boys are all grown up, and are big men. i think it will be great for them to have each other, and pray that they will be close, and want to do things together, like go to games and on camping trips. that's cool. the second came yesterday when i was watching top chef. ha. i know. okay, so i'm watching the top chef finale, and the three finalists are all male. two of them are actually brothers, which is kind of crazy. anyway, they are about to prepare their final meal for the judges, and in comes their moms. for some reason it struck me as the sweetest, most adorable thing to see these grown men interacting with their moms -hugging them and getting reassurance that they will do an amazing job, and sharing their concerns. they were so vulnerable and cute, like grown-up little boys, and it actually mad me emotional, thinking about when my boys are big. i hope that they will be like that with me, and share their thoughts and lives, and know how much i love them.

one of the coolest things that my husband said to me on the day we found out was that he could understand at least party why God had given us a third boy. he said that he was very sad for me, but that he thought God knew how great a mom i was to boys, and that our boys needed a mom like me, who love football and dinosaurs and fishing, and watches espn on her own. he thinks that they will be blessed to have that.

long week

this week has been a long and frustrating. i am honestly surprised that it's only wednesday! you know those days where a mom meltdown is unavoidable? yeah, i've had a couple of those this week. i told ben yesterday that after having one of those mornings, a lady made me laugh sardonically, because she listened to nolan and said, "oh. that was my favorite age with my boys." i said, "yeah, it's actually been my most challenging", and she gave me this condescending smile, like something was wrong with me! i'm not saying there aren't great things about 3-4 year-olds, but it has been hard! he seems to just keep pushing me. sometimes it seems like my voice is inaudible! yesterday he told me that i never play with him. me, who stays home every day, making all of his meals, playing, taking him to school and playdates, and outings, and restaurants. ben told me to ignore it, and that he says things like that to him all the time, but come on! when you invest so much time into your kids (and when you are extremely hormonal), it's hard to hear things like that. i have to take some major deep breaths and think of the good times, and the sweet things he says, or i will lose my mind! thankfully, i have a husband who is quick to help. when he comes home, and i've had days like these, he takes them out of the house, which i really need and appreciate. after telling a child to pick up his toys 15 bazillion times, you just need some silence. my focus now is to get to nolan's thanksgiving program on friday, which i am excited about. he has a speaking part, and gets to play the drum as an indian. anyone else annoyed that schools still say "indian" for native american? hello.

anyway, i will get to that, and then have a week of ben home. yay!

2 weeks

today is exactly two weeks until i find out if we're having a boy or girl. the suspense is killing me! i was telling ben this weekend about how i couldn't wait, and he said, "yeah, that's the difference between us. i am perfectly fine leaving my presents under the tree until christmas. you can't wait!" that is totally true :) when i was 7 i actually remember covertly unwrapping this giant present that had been looming under the tree. it was this mystery giant, and i could not wait. i only unwrapped a small portion, enough to see what the box said, and then taped it back without my parents knowing. it's funny, i think that in general, i am a very patient person, but not with presents, or secrets, or results. i also think it's easier for men to wait on baby results because they aren't the ones who are carrying the baby! if you'd had a new person growing inside your body for 16 weeks, you would be pretty curious who they were!

obviously the other factor this time is that i have two boys, and am hoping for the possibility of a girl. i truly do trust that God knows who will best add to our family, but the past few months have been thinking about all the things i saved for "my future daughter". i think about all the things that you can only do with daughters, and i dream about being able to do those. we will see...

the bebe has fingernails :)

so, like many pregnant women, i receive the babycenter.com weekly development emails. i have for each pregnancy, and i love them. especially in the early months, when you aren't feeling much but some cramping and gas, it's nice to get a glimpse into the womb. ha. the word womb still makes me laugh:) anyway, they tell you what is developing in your baby's body, and give you a visual (food) image of how big they are getting. that's my favorite part. when i found out i was pregnant, the baby was a sesame seed, and now at 10 weeks, it's a kumquat! amazing. nolan now loves to look at these with me. i show him the little drawn illustration of what the baby looks like, and then the food pic. today the write up said that our baby had no more webbing between it's toes and fingers, and that it had fingernails. to this, nolan said in a very serious voice, "mom, maybe that's why you're in pain sometimes. the baby is scratching you!" this kid really cracks me up.

My knitting blog

hey guys! just a random note to let you know that i now have a blog for my fledgling knitting business. would love for y'all to check it out, even though it has just begun, and is a work in progress. it is

http://theblueyedgirl.blogspot.com/

the airport, a milkshake, and a good day

today was a good day. it wasn't a ground-breaking, thrilling, seemingly perfect day, but it had some sweet moments to cherish. it started by finn and i dropping off nolan at school, and then we took my mom to the airport.

she decided to go to ireland/scotland on a whim, when one of her friends told her about her upcoming trip. i was proud of her because my mom doesn't travel much, and always agonizes over big splurges, even since inheriting money from her parents' estate. i thinks she will have a blast, and look forward to the pics. so at the airport, there was a lot of schlepping, and i really mean that. our airport has been in a rather ridiculous state of construction or "beautification" for several years now, which will be great in the future, but is rather ugly and awkward at the mo. anyway, that said, i always fly out of terminal 1, and kind of forgot that terminal 2 is now hard to reach from terminal 1. so the schlepping ensued. i have to say though, i am not recounting this to complain, but to say that i was proud of myself. sometimes in hectic or cumbersome situations i find the power of motherhood. know what i mean? i mean, especially when you have more than one child, things can get kinda crazy, especially when you find yourself in a high-traffic, security-filled situation with lots of factors. a) i feel protective of my mom, since i have been like her spouse since i was about 8, b) she hasn't traveled very much post 9/11, c) the time is 12:20 and neither boys have eaten lunch, hence whining and begging begin, and d)nolan has decided that my mom going on vaca is the end of the world :) a lot of factors! like i said, though, i found power in this. i am proud of myself when i can focus, stay calm, and manage to manage everything going on, including my two little wildebeasts. we survived, we got my mom checked in, with 2 hours to spare, snacks, major emotional meltdown averted, and managed to make up a silly song on the way to the car. go me, and go God for giving me the skills to pull it off.

we then headed to one of my favorite little places in our area, called cheesy jane's. it's a burger place (ironically our family doesn't eat beef anymore) in super cute, old school style, with awesome fries and milkshakes, and a really cool train track that runs on a suspended track from the ceiling. the boys love it. my mom had treated us to some lunch $, which is awesome, so i told nolan, "let's go to cheesy jane's, and we can even get a milkshake". my turkey burger and fries were delicious, and more than that, nolan and i had some quality date time. finn was technically there too, but the poor dude had passed out on in the car, so he was out until the last few minutes. my dad, while he was still around, established a great tradition of taking me on dates. i loved it! i felt so special and grown up and fancy. so nolan and i do the same when we can. we'll go to a movie, or just have a meal or snack.

today was a day where i can honestly say that i treasured my kids - their beauty and humor, and took mental snap-shots of where they are at this very moment. it's hard to do that as a mom everyday. in fact, i might venture to say that's nearly impossible to do it every day, but today was sweet. a chocolate milkshake never hurts things either :)